I'm still around...

Has anyone been wondering? I am still around - life's been busy and the adoption has been... hmmm... I guess uneventful.

My lack of posting has mostly been a combination of two things - drowning in work/projects and frustration with the adoption. Today is the first day in several weeks where I actually have some guilt-free down-time. I'm sitting her poking around on my laptop watching what I perceive to be fairly boring Emmys so far. None of my favorites have been winning - boo.

But back to what you all really come here to check on - the adoption. It's been an interesting month or so, as I approach my one-year anniversary of officially working on this. I've done a lot of "if I knew then what I know now" and other "hindsight is 20/20" thinking - then I think about how I need to stop thinking like that. It can be a bit of a vicious circle.

Ooh - my boyfriend Jon Stewart just won an Emmy for his show, this broadcast may be worth watching after all. Now back to your previously scheduled ramblings...

When I committed to Vietnam for my adoption in July of '06, the program was still in it's infancy in terms of reopening. I was starting to follow groups and blogs, but in looking back I realize I was awfully naive in anticipating what was happening behind the scenes. These days, the more I read and watch, the more I am reminded that apparently some things never change. I certainly can't vouch for what is truly happening behind the scenes in Vietnam. However, I think we all know that there is some ugly stuff going on. But can't that be said for many international programs these days? I spent some time this evening catching up on the posts at Fleas Biting - if you aren't already a reader you may want to stop over.

I hate that children are considered a commodity by so many throughout the world. I hate that adoption is an industry and clearly for people in many countries (including our own at times) this business is not about the children. I'm not looking to adopt to save a child - but I've always wanted to be a mother, there are children who need homes, seems like such a simple equation. I admit, I guess a year ago I thought that yes, adoption was hard, but it should just be a matter of accomplishing the steps. You do the paperwork, you write the checks, you develop more patience than you thought you had, and the result is that a family is created.

Ah, but things are not that simple. I'm not sure when or even if the Vietnam program with my agency will be truly up and running. There has been no update other than "no news" for an infuriatingly long time now. Understand, I do not think my agency is trying to be misleading or difficult. I think they are an honest group of people who sincerely thought this would go more smoothly than it has. I have come to realize that there will be no quick, smooth patch in being a pilot family in this program - that to stick with it will mean letting go of timeline expectations (and I mean REALLY let go) and simply being ok with however long it takes.

But do I have what it takes to be that way? Probably not. I don't want to switch to another agency, for a myriad of reasons. But I have been talking with my SW about options and we'll see what happens. If nothing else, it has felt very good the past couple of weeks to have some control over this again - to be proactive in learning and making decisions and feeling like perhaps this will happen after all.

It has been very difficult for me to try to accept that in all likelihood I have many months of waiting yet ahead of me. I do believe I will eventually adopt - I've come too far and have too strong a desire to just walk away now (believe me, I've thought about it). But how that will look when it happens, I don't know.

So that's what's been happening on this end. I've actually come to a surprisingly calm acceptance of it all at the moment - though that can change day-by-day.

Now back to the Emmys, which I am back to accepting are really quite dull. Who is this old half-delusional woman presenting some boring category with Stanley Tucci???