Alright, is it possible to have situational bi-polar disorder? I mean really, the professionals may want to do a study if it's not something already in existence. And if your life is way too mellow and controlled (wait, everybody who reads my blog is involved in adopting, I think, in which case there is no such thing as mellow and controlled - right?) then I suggest you get the crazy idea to try to adopt. It'll turn things upside down in a quick hurry.
So really, this bi-polar thing. I'm not at all making light of those dealing with this in reality - I always feel the need to throw out disclaimers prior to possibly offending the universe... I'm kinda thinking in addition to my A-ADHD (Adoptive ADHD) there's A-Bi-Polar going on too. The highs, the lows... One day you're on top of the world feeling excited and on-course about adopting, the next day you're desiring to crawl under the covers. I mean really, is this necessary?
And while I'm ranting, Dear Mother Freaking Nature; Is it really necessary to shock us by throwing us 88 degree weather on Saturday and then on Wednesday have a high of 47? I mean, really, isn't that a bit extreme and unnecessary? Couldn't we meet some kind of moderate compromise? Yes it's Minnesota and we regularly have snow in October (all of you Minnesotans - how often do we STILL reference the Halloween Blizzard that was something like a decade ago?) but really, how about some nice Midwestern fall weather, say in the 60's? I don't mind the cool - but I'm not ready to be shivering yet.
I'm a bit feisty today, can you tell?
Not that anything's really changed. I just start to really doubt myself and my decisions - and I am tired of mustering up patience and more patience. I want to be DONE with this adoption and move on to being a parent. Am I on the right course? Should I be investigating other agencies for Vietnam? Should I be considering other programs? Since I'm single and want an infant, and cost is unfortunately a factor, perhaps Ethiopia is a program I should seriously investigate. I'm still excited about the domestic program, but it's so unpredictable. I could get a call tomorrow, I could be sitting here a year from now still waiting (ok, except let's be honest - I will be sitting in a padded room in a straight-jacket in a year if I'm still waiting). You just never know what will touch somebody with your profile - and I'm not entirely confident about mine.
If I win the lottery tonight that would sure lift a lot of stress off my shoulders - if only it were that easy!
Ok, yesterday's Oprah show... It was titled "Wombs for Rent" and was about a program developed in India where Indian women become surrogates for couples around the world (US, but also European, etc.). For $3,000-$5,000 this Indian woman is implanted with your embryo and you fly back when she is due, have your baby, come home. Much cheaper than hiring a surrogate here in the US.
The show focused a lot on how this program (there is currently a waiting list of 300 families) changes the lives of these Indian women - how that fee they earn creates a whole new life for them. It was presented as really a win-win situation - families who want children have an affordable way to do it and the women in India change their lives financially.
But I really went back and forth - it's very unconventional, for sure. Is it the perfect solution to help families get created? Or is it creeping toward (or over the line) taking advantage of a poor population with limited options?
I will say, the women appear to be very well taken care of during the pregnancy. But at the same time, the surrogates often feel the need to hide what they are doing from their family and community - their feeling the need to do that concerns me.
Thoughts?
Which leads me a bit into one last topic for the day, since I'm in a ranting mode. Language, specifically adoption-related language. I would love for everyone to understand, as of this moment, that commenting on having one's "own" kids vs. adopting is just wrong. Makes me want to vomit every time I hear it. You know what I mean - oh, if we can't have our own we'll just adopt. Oh, why not just have your own, now that you're adopting you'll have one of your own. If you're reading this, I doubt you're one of the ones saying it - and you probably don't need further explanation. But it drives me crazy!
There. I feel better now. I really should get some work done at some point today, right? And throw myself on the treadmill for a few minutes - I really am trying to get that routine going again, and it would certainly be a good way to balance my feistiness of the day, maybe even warm me up a little...
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6 comments:
I didn't see that Oprah, but my first reaction is to be uncomfortable and concerned... that seems ethically questionable, at the least... I mean yes I can see how both sides are "helping" each other but it still seems like Westerners exploiting poor Indian women.
Wow and I thought I was the only one who felt a little bipolar during this process! I am sure it will all work out and that Oprah sounds interesting!
Yes, I think there is a certain level of bi-polar something or other that goes along with the whole adoption process. I've heard about the whole "wombs for rent" thing a bit before, though I didn't see Oprah. Part of me thinks, "Well, if it helps turn their lives around . . ." but a larger part of me is very uncomfortable with it. It does seem to be taking advantage.
I understand the ups and downs.... this whole process has been a whole lot harder than I thought. I have friends waiting for a baby from China and their wait will be two or three years. I really just don't know if I could handle that. I am going crazy and its not been a year yet....
I am not sure about the India surrogate idea. I guess I would need to know more about it. Like why families need a surrogate. Is it just to get out of pregnancy or is it becuase they are unable to carry a child? I guess either way - I lean towards this is taking advantage of a poor population. Of course, then I wonder, could international adoption be seen the same way?? Eek.
Hi Stacy,
I did a post on my blog about O's show too. The whole thing makes me uncomfortable.
Yes, the Indian women make, in 9 months, more money than they could ever dream of otherwise. It definitely turns their lives around. BUT...That's also the problem, isn't it? Can it really be called a "choice" when you present a woman living in poverty with a way to feed/educate/house her own family....if only she does this 'job'? Can women afford NOT to make that "choice"?
Most of the women were hiding it from their families, and would lie about it if asked and say that it was their 'own' baby and it died in childbirth. If found out, their villages and families would shame them. They have to go off and live at the surrogacy center for 9 months, away from their own families. And at the end, they have to give away the baby that they have carried in their bodies for 9 months.
There's no way that these women will not wonder about that child, and probably grieve for that child, for the rest of their lives. But the US families can conveniently choose to forget the surrogate if they want to. They may not even tell the child.
I'm not saying I think it is absolutely wrong, or that it should never happen. But it's got some seriously sticky ethical concerns, and I don't think that the O show addressed them at all.
jen
Wow - this is fascinating, in a really disturbing sort of way. I didn't see the show either, but my gut tells me something isn't quite right. I'll have to think about this more, so thanks for bringing it up.
Yeah, that language REALLY gets me going. And when it comes from strangers who are just prying...oh, that's even worse. When it's from well-intentioned family members, I just try and gently point out the wrongness of what their implying. I know it's just something they haven't thought about and once they do, they'll change their language too.
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