First, I am so relieved that the bridge disaster here in Minnesota this week seems to have not claimed as many lives as we all expected. I know that there are still people missing, and my thoughts are with the families of those who did not survive.
It has been interesting to listen to the stories of the survivors and those who helped rescue people. I have had a great reminder of what a hero is - and so many of those heroes this week stand out to me because they won't accept the title. They say that they did what anyone would have done, but I don't think that is true. Not everybody would narrowly escape a drop of 60 feet in their car, possibly submerging into the water or narrowly escape being crushed, and then stay to help others. I sincerely believe that the main reason most people did survive this was because of the dedication of others to leave nobody behind. So while I did not know anybody involved in the collapse (at least as far as I know so far), I thank those of you who did everything you could and you are heroes in my eyes even if you don't believe you are.
Ok, now to adoption related rambling... I have developed a certain routine - in the morning as I eat my breakfast I excitedly read through my daily digests to all of the Yahoo groups I belong to, and I have found these groups to be a fabulous wealth of information. While I eat lunch I read a few more, and at night when all is done, I blog surf. I've already admitted I'm addicted but I do think for the most part this is a good addiction. Lately I've been wondering about that though. Is it just me, or is the tone of some of the Yahoo groups really shifting? My theory is that with the growing numbers of families looking to adopt from Vietnam, the landscape of those involved is altering the "flavor" of the groups. Now, I commend everyone who is involved in blogging, the groups, etc. - I think it is a great way to become informed on adoption and I think it is our responsibility as adoptive parents to learn as much as we can.
That said... I have a few things I need to get off my mind or it may simply explode. While it may seem like this is directed at one specific poster (who was the straw that broke the camel's back) this really is more a culmination of several frustrating battles I've followed on several groups lately.
First of all - do not for a minute insinuate that because I have chosen to wait longer with an agency that means I am not just as anxious to get my child home as you are. If I could snap my fingers tomorrow and have my son home I would - IF I could do it ethically and legally. People have different reasons for choosing different agencies and I'm sorry, but speed of referral should not be the highest or only priority. While some people are fine with a long wait because of financial or family situations, most of us are tortured in the wait for bringing out child home, just like you say you are.
Second - no, fast referrals does not automatically equal unethical behavior on the part of the agency. However... If your agency has a referral time that is dramatically different from the average of agencies across the board, I beg you to carefully consider how that can be. Vietnam does not have a bottomless pool of referrals, especially for baby girls. As the program expands, the wait times will naturally increase. Some agencies have stopped accepting applications, some have stopped accepting gender choice, and some are lengthening their quotes for referral times. I actually took the time to look at EVERY licensed agency website last night to see what agencies were quoting for times and what restrictions they were putting on families. No, it is NOT easy or common to find an ethical agency that has an established program and can give you a referral of a baby girl within a couple of months. I beg of you, literally, to question the ones that say they can.
Adoption is not a right, it is a privilege. Just because you desperately want to add a child to your family does not mean you can snap your fingers and make it happen. In almost all cases, this process will take you longer than you plan and want. That is the way it is. Many families have waited longer than I have, and I am seeing families who started after me and are already home with their child. As hard as that is, I accept it because I am confident in my agency choice and the decisions they make. I try to accept that there is a reason for the waiting, that perhaps my son just is not ready for me yet - not that this line of thinking works often, but I try.
Adoption does not include the option of going through the drive-thru lane to expedite your order rather than going to the sit-down restaurant because you don't feel like having to wait for service tonight. I tell you what though, when you go through the drive-thru you are making a choice to sacrifice something (service, quality or, say, ethics or honesty) over the sit-down restaurants and I would say it is the same with adoption.
To me, it is important to be able to look in my son's eyes as he grows and be able to sincerely tell him that I moved heaven and earth to create a family with him and that I did it the right way.
Yes, there are children who need homes and we all want to build a family - it should be a win-win situation and it shouldn't have to be this hard. But to make that happen most of us need the help of an agency - and as hard as it is to admit, some agencies lose sight of what we would like to think their priorities are - and money instead becomes their top priority. They pay bribes, they cut corners, they enlist the services of sketchy players to push things along because the faster the adoptions get done, the more babies they can refer, the more fees they can pile up. It is NOT ok to utilize these shady agencies while justifying to yourself that it is ok because you are providing a child a home.
When you as a family choose these agencies, you are feeding the beast. Yes you may get your child - but are you sure that you can look your child in his or her eyes without doubt of how it happened? Do you know that your fees went to facilitate improving the lives of those left behind or to pay for services, not astronomical salaries or bribes? And believe me - your subsidizing an unethical agency is hurting the children in many ways - including the fact that you are preventing other agencies from being able to be effective and for those children to come home.
Another sigh...
Sorry to rant - and it's not my intention to offend anyone, but I am literally begging everyone out there to make sure you do what you can to follow the ethical path in this process. I know that the line becomes gray and it can be hard to decipher what's what. I wish there were a list of who the bad and unethical agencies are - unfortunately it's a tough landscape and there's only so much you can do. But there are so many resources available to us - and a lot of families who have been involved in Vietnam adoptions for a number of years (pre-closedown) who seem more than happy to help lead us newer folk down the right path - we just have to actually listen.
Alright, back off my soapbox for the day. And in case you're wondering, yes I will be scaling back a bit on my reading to cool down and rejuvenate my love for the Vietnam-adoption-internet world. I have hesitated on posting on this subject prior to this because I'm still in the process too so who am I to speak on agency ethics and such, though I certainly know where my agency stands. I think it's dangerous to say too much in that regard until you have the full experience. But I felt I had to say something or it'd keep gnawing at me, and I decided doing it on my blog rather than fueling the flames on the groups was more appropriate.
I promise the next post will be cheerier!
14 comments:
I still lurk on those sites. I hope that people are listening and learning. It is a very hard wait when you are so uncertain about your agency.
-Crystal
No need for a disclaimer when you're teeing up a not-so-happy post...ranting and raving from behind the relative anonymity of a computer screen is what blogging is all about! Rant away. And this is a good one...I wish I'd done a few things differently, in hindsight. Good to be so self-aware.
Thanks for this post. I am too chicken to post my real thoughts on this subject, so I commend you! I have also become increasingly frustrated with people who seem to look the other way when it comes to the ethics of their agency. How can you sleep at night knowing that you are "feeding the beast", as you said? And it's not just about how fast you get your referral--it's HOW your referral comes to you. Some seemingly smart PAPs are turning their heads when it comes to stuff like that (the age of the child when he/she is referred, etc...), and that makes me sad. WAKE UP PEOPLE! If you are referred a 2 week old there is something VERY wrong with the way your agency is handling referrals, and those PAPs should be very, very worried. I know that it's hard to see those things when you have fallen in love with your child instantly, but you have to keep your head on straight...for the sake of ALL of us!!!!!
THANK YOU! Seriously, as an in-process PAP I think your take on the importance of ethics and being willing to wait a little longer to be sure things are done right carries more weight than the voices of those of us who have our kids home... you are walking the talk, and I think that is so commendable.
And as one who waited a year from referral to travel while everything was done by the book, I really know how it feels, watching people go with the impossibly-fast agencies, bringing home impossibly-young babies. It stinks. But the clear conscience is worth it.
Amen. You know how I feel!
I know what you mean!!! I have noticed the same tone in many different yahoo groups. I hate it and it really sucks the fun out of reading them.
Great Post!! It is so frustrating reading the boards...I pretty much stay off these days. Here's hoping we all get our babies soon and ethically!!
I no longer read the list serves partly because i always ended up being stressed. I am very comfortable with my agency and they are quoting a referral time of 6 months. They are definitely one of the ethical ones - just seems like so far their wait time is not as long as some of the other agencies. I expect that the wait will be increasing though as the number of dossiers is increasing.
You are absolutely correct. Sometimes we (PAPs) get so wrapped up in getting our babies home, that we forget what is truly important: keeping not only our children safe, but all future children and PAPs. Ethics effects all PAPs, past and present, and time lines can be deceiving.
BTW, I really enjoy your rants. Feel free to share them anytime. :-)
I agree with you. I've started deleting most of the posts before even reading them.
SPEAK IT, woman!! No need for happy posts - the truth is just fine by me. And it needs to be spoken more, and louder apparently. I was one who made a moronic decision when the process had just reopened and I was freakin clueless. While I thank God everyday for my son, I can't stand that we used the agency we did, with the facilitator it has. What really bothered me is 1 family we traveled with (saw everything we did) signed on to use them again for a little girl shortly after returning home with their son. THAT is disgusting. They were informed, knew everything sketchy that went on, but in the end stuck with the agency that could do it fast. It's like they came home and blocked EVERYTHING out, for convenience sake.
How in the world did I miss this fabulous post? You said that very eloquently. I've been increasingly frustrated with the email groups.
i have a question. Anybody know if any of the thousands we are paying/paid to the agencies, any of it going to the vn government or the orphanage?
I just found your blog - this is a great post. I think we absolutely have to ask ourselves all of the uncomfortable questions so we are not propagating an unethical system. As someone else commented, at the end of the day, we have to look our babies in the eye and tell them, warts and all, how they came to be in our families.
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